{/Monday, October 13, 2008, @7:06 PM.
{ Bouts of Melancholia (the 2nd bout today)... Today is crying }
Title: Bouts of Melancholia (the 2nd bout today)... Today is crying day
Yesterday, long day @ Utopia, frm 1030am to 9.30pm (about 10pm I got off work cos something wrong with POS system)... It must be the purple walls. It's like I really feel no interest in anything...
I'm no longer that crazy about dancing... It's worrying...
I have thoughts of leaving the world behind.
I jus want to rant.
Oh-so-emo just sucks. I want to believe "everything happens for a reason" but it seems like who I am, innately, being so emotional - what good is there? I feel so touched easily, moved to tears easily? I was so helpless about time flying by, that my time in Yellowstone is so over and there's nothing I can do to stay there...
Papa said it might not be that good for me to go to Yellowstone, but i do think that it's the best thing that has happened to me so far. I come back, having thoughts of leaving this world, having no idea how to live my life. I thought it'd be better for me since I really did what I want to over there(85%), that I recognize how relieving and free it felt to do what I really want to do. I was living my life, the way I want it, the best I could ever live, the best I've ever lived (in my entire life). How come I can't do it now? I thought I had a better idea of how to live my future days, but not so it seems... :(
I haven't read a book, a novel in a really long time! It's time to start, I guess, finding inspiration. The whole journey of finding inspiration starts again. I'm always finding inspiration.
Sometimes after I reach home, I'd read a few books on life and its philosophy that Sang borrowed from the library. It did help momentarily, but after a while, the effect sorta wore off. Am I just tired or I'm really tired of living? I lie on the bed and my thoughts travel so far away from me, to other parts of the world, to everything so far away from the reality I'm stuck in now. It has a wild mind, (my mind has a wild mind).
Listening to Elva's song now - 两个人的寂寞。The melody just puts me in a mood of crying, it's like ... I don't really know how to express it. It feels peaceful but yet I want to cry. (tears just fell)
Thks Charmaine Da-Jie for reading my blog always, your presence just comforts me.
Yours, Xiaohui's and Shan-er's. It made me feel that I'm back in US on the road trip.
And thanks for organizing the gathering, I was really down at first but I really felt so much better at night m_m
Whew, it's really true that one does find comfort in one's happy past, the happy memories that are so far away from me. I cried while I waited for Mama to come pick me up from the roadside just now. I was watching the road, wondering how it'd be if I stepped out there. (though the pathetically slow speed of the vehicles wouldn't hurt me in any way) Den I saw my mama coming round the path when she comes! I felt bad, felt so guilty, felt so stupid, having no tiny weeny bit of intelligence to speak of. I started crying, hard. She asked me what's wrong, what happened. I realized I dunno how to answer her cos I was just unhappy? sad? with the entire world. I sobbed a little bit more on the way home.
我不应该还不放手
...
我有自由好好过
解脱，是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔，我总会实现一个梦。
想，若结局一样，又何苦再想？
伤，若让人成长？我为什么怕分手的伤？
心里有一种渴望勇敢的念头
不要爱我的人在担心我 (more tears)
Thks for Jennifer for empathizing with my watery signs haha! It was so funny, it felt like you could really understand but I understand you're more stable in any sense so you can't really feel how it's like to really mood-swing so much! Maybe I believe too much in this horoscope thing, but all my life, I've always been emotional. It just comes and takes over me! Whatever, I'll try hard! Giving up is the easiest thing and I'd only feel like giving up when I'm feeling down. Its' amazing, how sometimes some sleep can do wonders! I guess I'm just tired and stressed that I have so little time... Now, able to watch shows/read a bit is a luxury for me! It's so different from when I had so much time since I wasn't working in my previous semesters (especially before I went to USA)... Now, lying on the bed feels oh-so-awesome... whoo... Yesterday night, coming home to eat mee cooked by Papa and Sang Sang and eating 3 pieces of kaya toast that Sang Sang bought for me can touch me so greatly (crying again). I just totally ignored the fact that I had to stop eating after 7.30pm!
Whew, writing it out makes me feel better. Here's a look on the moon sign Pisces, my inner, emotional side!
Moon in Pisces
Keywords: Spiritual, Artistic, Susceptible, Intuitive, Whimsical, Compassionate
Those born with the moon in a Water sign need to establish solid emotional commitments. Before considering the practicality of a situation, and before objectively examining the facts, they react emotionally. They are highly intuitive, though at times it is deceptively self-serving.
As lunar Water sign personalities, those with moon in Pisces are at the mercy of their sensitive nature. Wounded by insults, and beset with fear of rejection and other insecurities, they do not do well in relationships with those who are emotionally tough and independent. As a defense mechanism to protect their inner vulnerability, they may turn into bullies, out to get others before others get them. It is best for these individuals to adopt a religious or philosophical outlook that can provide them with an underlying strength that their temperament does not naturally possess.
Piscean moon personalities are romantic, idealistic, and creative. Quite a few lunar Pisceans are gifted writers, actors, and illustrators. In spite of their sensitive nature, they often have a strong outer personality. Remarkably imaginative and farsighted, the major flaw that prevents their projects from being successful is impracticality or else lack of clarity or both. Adept at sales and promotion, they are not always as responsible as they should be when it comes to how much actual substance there is in what they offer. Their excess emotions imply the almost certain potential for waging lifelong battles against overindulgence of every kind.
Women with Pisces moon are prone to developing anxiety complexes. They are also apt to be psychic with a gift for healing. Their emotional nature is well-suited for the comfort of a domestic life, though they may be unwilling or unable to efficiently manage the household. Men with Pisces moon are vulnerable to being victimized in their personal life, while at the same time, having great strength and wisdom to ably handle the affairs of others.
--- Doesn't really mention what good points there is right? I'll just have to find it, them!
我想我只是暂时失去方向。真奇怪，都一把年纪了，还那么情绪化、感情用事。真的和我在中学时的少年时期那种“发癫式的耍脾气”那种情形的情绪化有得比。以 为长大了，就会好，那时很多人那样对我说，让我很期待长大后的我。长大真有那么好吗？ok lah, 有好有坏吧。我真的需要知道我该怎么过生活，怎样生活，how to live?
“改变想法，改变生活”，不知道是哪位名人说的名言。
其实，我虽然没什么物质上的欲望（除了食物吧），但我有蛮多心灵上的欲望。以前还比较强烈，去美国后几乎没有了，没想到回到新加坡，最近，它们又回来了。 就是要有那种pai kia的朋友！哈哈，不知道的人会觉得可笑吧，但是一直是乖乖女的我真得很想做让人意想不到的事，是自己想突破，想叛逆，做完全和我外表相反的事。还有就 是要有那种很多朋友，一大帮一大帮那种。但事实是，我有的和我要的是对立的。Ooh, a realization! Everything happens for a reason 吧。算了，再想、再写下去，就是胡思乱想，胡思乱写。我太时常做那种事了哈哈！浪费了宝贵的时间!
Alrighty, I'm done with ranting. My energy for ranting is almost used up haha. Feels better after dumping everything out, though I still feel writing it out on paper is more effective :D, cos I really get tired after writing, my hands really ache.
I just sang with Elva and Ah Mei and "为你而活” by the 星光大道 winners of Season 2. It feels so great to just shout and sing and cry and nobody's home. Sometimes, I try to stifle my sobbing sounds when people are at home. 珍惜, cherish, treasure --- really important. It's so easy to keep talking about it but not so easy to really fully comprehend it at all times. Ah! F*ck! So I gotta think, what if that person is dead, would you like it??? HAO BA, 抒发晚了，可以去看一下戏，然后写报告！正要去看《星光大道第一集》哈哈。我喜欢看“有历史性”的戏，就是很久以前的戏。
Try harder, don't give up! In terms of everything!
Don't really feel like "living" (活起来），but I guess I have no choice, my report needs to be written!
So the end of it, I'm not fully recovered from melancholia, still recovering...indeed T_T
this is act cry...
3rd sep 08' (wed) meeting with sec sch dance frens!
we went arena then mos.
it's really pretty boring but I had good laughs cos of Poh Poh Ying, Er Poh Hui (Madam - the policewoman), Samantha, Hui Min (rabbit)...
wah! dancing - i want to get high with dancing again！
weird pic, i wonder why the effect is like that...
lurves!
i don't like lychee martini, I'm just posing...
madam!
昨天读到的：“做人已经不容易，为何还不要善待自己？”
I cried after reading that but like i told you, the effect wore off...
really, in the midst of recovering...
0 Comments:
Yesterday, long day @ Utopia, frm 1030am to 9.30pm (about 10pm I got off work cos something wrong with POS system)... It must be the purple walls. It's like I really feel no interest in anything...
I'm no longer that crazy about dancing... It's worrying...
I have thoughts of leaving the world behind.
I jus want to rant.
Oh-so-emo just sucks. I want to believe "everything happens for a reason" but it seems like who I am, innately, being so emotional - what good is there? I feel so touched easily, moved to tears easily? I was so helpless about time flying by, that my time in Yellowstone is so over and there's nothing I can do to stay there...
Papa said it might not be that good for me to go to Yellowstone, but i do think that it's the best thing that has happened to me so far. I come back, having thoughts of leaving this world, having no idea how to live my life. I thought it'd be better for me since I really did what I want to over there(85%), that I recognize how relieving and free it felt to do what I really want to do. I was living my life, the way I want it, the best I could ever live, the best I've ever lived (in my entire life). How come I can't do it now? I thought I had a better idea of how to live my future days, but not so it seems... :(
I haven't read a book, a novel in a really long time! It's time to start, I guess, finding inspiration. The whole journey of finding inspiration starts again. I'm always finding inspiration.
Sometimes after I reach home, I'd read a few books on life and its philosophy that Sang borrowed from the library. It did help momentarily, but after a while, the effect sorta wore off. Am I just tired or I'm really tired of living? I lie on the bed and my thoughts travel so far away from me, to other parts of the world, to everything so far away from the reality I'm stuck in now. It has a wild mind, (my mind has a wild mind).
Listening to Elva's song now - 两个人的寂寞。The melody just puts me in a mood of crying, it's like ... I don't really know how to express it. It feels peaceful but yet I want to cry. (tears just fell)
Thks Charmaine Da-Jie for reading my blog always, your presence just comforts me.
Yours, Xiaohui's and Shan-er's. It made me feel that I'm back in US on the road trip.
And thanks for organizing the gathering, I was really down at first but I really felt so much better at night m_m
Whew, it's really true that one does find comfort in one's happy past, the happy memories that are so far away from me. I cried while I waited for Mama to come pick me up from the roadside just now. I was watching the road, wondering how it'd be if I stepped out there. (though the pathetically slow speed of the vehicles wouldn't hurt me in any way) Den I saw my mama coming round the path when she comes! I felt bad, felt so guilty, felt so stupid, having no tiny weeny bit of intelligence to speak of. I started crying, hard. She asked me what's wrong, what happened. I realized I dunno how to answer her cos I was just unhappy? sad? with the entire world. I sobbed a little bit more on the way home.
我不应该还不放手
...
我有自由好好过
解脱，是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔，我总会实现一个梦。
想，若结局一样，又何苦再想？
伤，若让人成长？我为什么怕分手的伤？
心里有一种渴望勇敢的念头
不要爱我的人在担心我 (more tears)
Thks for Jennifer for empathizing with my watery signs haha! It was so funny, it felt like you could really understand but I understand you're more stable in any sense so you can't really feel how it's like to really mood-swing so much! Maybe I believe too much in this horoscope thing, but all my life, I've always been emotional. It just comes and takes over me! Whatever, I'll try hard! Giving up is the easiest thing and I'd only feel like giving up when I'm feeling down. Its' amazing, how sometimes some sleep can do wonders! I guess I'm just tired and stressed that I have so little time... Now, able to watch shows/read a bit is a luxury for me! It's so different from when I had so much time since I wasn't working in my previous semesters (especially before I went to USA)... Now, lying on the bed feels oh-so-awesome... whoo... Yesterday night, coming home to eat mee cooked by Papa and Sang Sang and eating 3 pieces of kaya toast that Sang Sang bought for me can touch me so greatly (crying again). I just totally ignored the fact that I had to stop eating after 7.30pm!
Whew, writing it out makes me feel better. Here's a look on the moon sign Pisces, my inner, emotional side!
Moon in Pisces
Keywords: Spiritual, Artistic, Susceptible, Intuitive, Whimsical, Compassionate
Those born with the moon in a Water sign need to establish solid emotional commitments. Before considering the practicality of a situation, and before objectively examining the facts, they react emotionally. They are highly intuitive, though at times it is deceptively self-serving.
As lunar Water sign personalities, those with moon in Pisces are at the mercy of their sensitive nature. Wounded by insults, and beset with fear of rejection and other insecurities, they do not do well in relationships with those who are emotionally tough and independent. As a defense mechanism to protect their inner vulnerability, they may turn into bullies, out to get others before others get them. It is best for these individuals to adopt a religious or philosophical outlook that can provide them with an underlying strength that their temperament does not naturally possess.
Piscean moon personalities are romantic, idealistic, and creative. Quite a few lunar Pisceans are gifted writers, actors, and illustrators. In spite of their sensitive nature, they often have a strong outer personality. Remarkably imaginative and farsighted, the major flaw that prevents their projects from being successful is impracticality or else lack of clarity or both. Adept at sales and promotion, they are not always as responsible as they should be when it comes to how much actual substance there is in what they offer. Their excess emotions imply the almost certain potential for waging lifelong battles against overindulgence of every kind.
Women with Pisces moon are prone to developing anxiety complexes. They are also apt to be psychic with a gift for healing. Their emotional nature is well-suited for the comfort of a domestic life, though they may be unwilling or unable to efficiently manage the household. Men with Pisces moon are vulnerable to being victimized in their personal life, while at the same time, having great strength and wisdom to ably handle the affairs of others.
--- Doesn't really mention what good points there is right? I'll just have to find it, them!
我想我只是暂时失去方向。真奇怪，都一把年纪了，还那么情绪化、感情用事。真的和我在中学时的少年时期那种“发癫式的耍脾气”那种情形的情绪化有得比。以 为长大了，就会好，那时很多人那样对我说，让我很期待长大后的我。长大真有那么好吗？ok lah, 有好有坏吧。我真的需要知道我该怎么过生活，怎样生活，how to live?
“改变想法，改变生活”，不知道是哪位名人说的名言。
其实，我虽然没什么物质上的欲望（除了食物吧），但我有蛮多心灵上的欲望。以前还比较强烈，去美国后几乎没有了，没想到回到新加坡，最近，它们又回来了。 就是要有那种pai kia的朋友！哈哈，不知道的人会觉得可笑吧，但是一直是乖乖女的我真得很想做让人意想不到的事，是自己想突破，想叛逆，做完全和我外表相反的事。还有就 是要有那种很多朋友，一大帮一大帮那种。但事实是，我有的和我要的是对立的。Ooh, a realization! Everything happens for a reason 吧。算了，再想、再写下去，就是胡思乱想，胡思乱写。我太时常做那种事了哈哈！浪费了宝贵的时间!
Alrighty, I'm done with ranting. My energy for ranting is almost used up haha. Feels better after dumping everything out, though I still feel writing it out on paper is more effective :D, cos I really get tired after writing, my hands really ache.
I just sang with Elva and Ah Mei and "为你而活” by the 星光大道 winners of Season 2. It feels so great to just shout and sing and cry and nobody's home. Sometimes, I try to stifle my sobbing sounds when people are at home. 珍惜, cherish, treasure --- really important. It's so easy to keep talking about it but not so easy to really fully comprehend it at all times. Ah! F*ck! So I gotta think, what if that person is dead, would you like it??? HAO BA, 抒发晚了，可以去看一下戏，然后写报告！正要去看《星光大道第一集》哈哈。我喜欢看“有历史性”的戏，就是很久以前的戏。
Try harder, don't give up! In terms of everything!
Don't really feel like "living" (活起来），but I guess I have no choice, my report needs to be written!
So the end of it, I'm not fully recovered from melancholia, still recovering...indeed T_T
this is act cry...
3rd sep 08' (wed) meeting with sec sch dance frens!
we went arena then mos.
it's really pretty boring but I had good laughs cos of Poh Poh Ying, Er Poh Hui (Madam - the policewoman), Samantha, Hui Min (rabbit)...
wah! dancing - i want to get high with dancing again！
weird pic, i wonder why the effect is like that...
lurves!
i don't like lychee martini, I'm just posing...
madam!
昨天读到的：“做人已经不容易，为何还不要善待自己？”
I cried after reading that but like i told you, the effect wore off...
really, in the midst of recovering...
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